13 again.

more dry stuff i didn't cover under the cut.
sup. ｉ ａｍ ｓｏ ｔｉｒｅｄ．

a lot of things have changed. this blog sure has a whole lot of memories, huh? i've definitely matured, but i'm not matured enough to understand things. i don't understand a whole lot of things.

• friends. 

i'm sure if you look through my archives earlier this year, or last year the first thing you'll notice is that i have a certain group of girls i would always hang out with? of course you do. i do believe that they're the ones who made my sec one life a great joy, and i definitely miss them. unfortunately, i don't think they reciprocate these feelings haha. but that's okay, i won't force someone to do something they don't like right? i'm not trying to guilt trip them either, these are just my feelings.
the thing is, i'm really not sure what i did to make them dislike me so much. i'm sorry if me hanging out with guys like soonjie and alfred etc put you off, but i think that if you do get to know them better, they're really really not that bad. sure, they don't give good advice like anita has always dished out to me since primary school, but they're there to listen to me and they don't give a single fuck- they don't judge. i'm not saying you guys do, but sometimes i have a nagging feeling it's because of my ah, nsfw addictions.
then again, i understand that it's out of the norm for a 'girl to have these tendencies', but for gods' sake we're in 2012, gays should be able to get married and we should be able to eat in the shower. also i'm not a girl. i'm pretty sure along the way i did something unconsciously to make y'all pissed, because even right now sandra doesn't seem to care anymore. i'm sorry i don't know what i did, will you do me favor and tell me? 

i hope you do remember me, and i hope we can be friends again- but i can't say i can trust you too much.
sometimes it really, really fucking hurts y'know just roaming around the school with no friends. now, i'm sure you people know what secondary school is like? it's supposed to be the best few years of your youth. i'm not feeling it right now. on the contrary i just want to get the fuck out of this place asap.

sorry i suck.

i wish i knew what i did wrong because honestly? you girls are a great group of people to be around!

• cca 

i haven't been feeling in it lately, and i honestly can say i don't enjoy it as much as i do anymore. i'm sorry teachers but people's feelings about things change, and my feelings towards judo has changed from last year. i see now that sir- no, gerard doesn't give a single shit about us, he just wants us to win. i'm sorry, i can't be the winning champion. i don't want to be the winning champion. you can't force me to do something i don't want to. even if you did successfully force me to, i wouldn't enjoy it. but then again, i don't enjoy a whole lot of things. i was enjoying it, and honestly the only reason i stayed on this year and the second half of last year is because of the people in it. i can't do it anymore, he gets on my nerves so so much when he looks at you with utter contempt even though you've tried your best but you still can't throw the damn person. i'm sorry, he's heavier than me i can't fucking throw him. i'm sorry i'm not the talented star you need. don't count on me ever going back.

• generally, school 

i really, really haven't been enjoying school ever since my friends distanced themselves from me. i can't socialize like i used to last year, and i can tell i've lost a certain number of friends this year. hell, a whole lot of friends! there's even a rumor of me being a fucking slut because i hung out with keith and the others during camp. well i'm sorry but i don't want to be with people who don't want me to be with them! i'd rather go somewhere else where they appreciate me. i really enjoy being with keith and jinghuan and nicholas and all the other guys y'know? it's not technically i like boys- i do but it's their character. i really like them.

i can't say i'm trying too hard at this school thing anymore, honestly i don't give a shit anymore- the only reason i want to do this is so i can hurry up and get the fuck out of singapore and go to sva or some other school. i love singapore, i just don't love the people. i'm sorry but my heart really really isn't in it anymore. hell, i'm happiest when i'm on the computer! just how lonely is that? the thing is, the people on the internet accept me for who i am- i just wish the people i know would accept that. even asking you guys to refer to me by male pronouns is taking too much trouble, and i've been unfollowed so many times just because i've tweeted my gaypornscapades! i'm just saying that the people on the internet i call my friends are just as important as the people i talk to daily in real life. i haven't forgotten about you guys, i just wish you would listen to me sometimes.
it's really infuriating. 
but then again, i really really miss 1/1 and sometimes i stay up at night wondering if i'm the only one that is so attached to this class, whether i'm the only one that feels this way- and whether things would be different if we didn't split classes.

 

i really don't know what the point of this blog post is, and i honestly don't feel better at all. i'm giving up soon because i never feel better. i'm never truly 'happy'. i never was.
goodnight. 

ps thank for reading this far and not closing the window haha.
love u.